1. First Level Listening
Notice how often you put your own interpretation on what somebody says to you. For example if your friend says “I don’t want to go to the cinema this evening,” does it mean that they don’t want to spend time with you?
Notice how many times a day you decide what other people mean by what they say rather than really listening to what they have said.
2. Second Level Listening
Just listen to what the other person says. Make no judgements whatsoever. Acknowledge your understanding of what they have said – using our above example you may simply say “so you don’t want to go to the cinema this evening.”
Even though it may sound like you are parroting them, they will actually feel heard and they’ll have the opportunity to expand on what they do want to do or why they don’t want to go to the cinema. This then opens up the conversation between you.
3. Listen for the emotion
Another way of listening at the second level is to listen for the emotion. Does the other person sound tired, irritated, pleased, cross, curious or surprised? Acknowledge the emotion by say “you sound tired” and then leave an opening for them to respond and take the conversation further.
They will feel heard and know you are trying to understand them. Don’t worry if you get the emotion wrong, they will tell you how exactly how they feel and you can continue from there.
4. Do not attack, blame or judge the other person
If they say they don’t want to go to the cinema, don’t jump in with “typical of you, you never want to do anything.” Your friend’s ears will just fall off and he or she will not hear anything else you have to say
5. Don’t be a passive communicator
Once you understand and have clarified what the other person has said, go back with what you would like to have happen and start the process all over again. Relationships are not meant to be one-sided.
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