The Advantages Of Self Confidence

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Self-confident people are able to meet work deadlines

Self-confidence has the ability to make employees perform more effectively at their jobs. Confident employees are able to take on multifaceted tasks with a greater level of commitment and concentration. Self-confidence breeds enthusiasm and lets a person inspire their co-workers. Individuals like these are valuable to an employer because they can get the job done. Self-confident people have the ability to succeed at whatever they put their minds to.

Self-confident people have a positive outlook

A self-confident person is often organized and able to stick to a schedule. Being organized helps a person stay on top of things in every arena of their life. Being able to finish a job on time and well is very encouraging. You can often tell a self-confident person by his smile and cheerful demeanor.

Self-confident people are often healthier

Self-confident people are better equipped to deal with stressful situations with a level head. They are confident that they can make it through any situation and solve any problem. This aids in avoiding such health problems as high blood pressure, hypertension, and even anger. Self-confident people are likely to live a healthier life.

Self-confident people can spend more quality time at home

A good day spent at work often dictates how a person will be at home after work. A sense of accomplishment on the job helps a person be more agreeable with family, and more upbeat. He or she will want to spend more time with family, which is beneficial for everyone.

Self-confident people are better friends and partners

It is easier to invest time in a relationship when you are up on yourself and organized in your life. Self-confident people are often better able to draw the line between work and family, allowing for more balance and harmonious relationships with family and friends. Self-confident people seem to be able to bind relationships through time and care.

Self-confident people have a higher income

Self-confidence helps employees work well independently or as part of a team. They can take the lead, or follow someone else’s instructions without problems or conflict. They are not afraid to acknowledge that they deserve a promotion or raise, and ask for it.

People look up to self-confident people

Self-confident people are more likely to achieve personal and professional successes than someone who looks down on him or herself. Self-confident people have energy and magnetism that draws people in. They believe in themselves and have the courage to solve problems and deal with anything that is thrown their way. People like to be around a self-confident person.

Successful Business Entrepreneurs

Studies have shown that successful business entrepreneurs possess these characteristics:

1. Self-confidence

This is that magical power of having confidence in oneself and in one’s powers and abilities.

2. Achievement Oriented

Results are gained by focused and sustained effort. They concentrate on achieving a specific goal, not just accomplishing a string of unrelated tasks.

3. Risk Taker

They realize that there is a chance of loss inherent in achieving their goals, yet they have the confidence necessary to take calculated risks to achieve their goals.

Business entrepreneurs are people who will make decisions, take action, and think that they can control their own destinies. They are often motivated by a spirit of independence which leads them to believe that their success depends on raw effort and hard work, not luck.

So which of these three main characteristics is the most important? Believe it or not, it has to be self-confidence. Without self-confidence, nothing else is possible. If you don’t believe in your abilities, then the first challenge that arises may knock you off the path to achieving your goals. Here are a few things to keep in mind for maintaining a higher level of self-confidence.

Positive Thinking

Well, it all starts with a positive attitude, doesn’t it? Believing that something good will happen is the first step. Negative thinking simply is not allowed. You must truly believe that there are no circumstances strong enough to deter you from reaching your goals. Remember too, that positive thinking can be contagious. When positive thinking spreads, it can open doors to new ideas, customers, friends, etc.

Persistent Action

Now all of the positive thinking and believing in the world is useless if it is not applied towards a goal. You have to take action, no excuses are allowed. This action must also be persistent. Trying once and then giving up is not going to be enough. Keep at it one step at a time. If you can’t get by a certain step, then find a creative way to try again or just go around it.

At the beginning of this article we identified a few traits that are common among successful business entrepreneurs. You should be able to look ahead and see yourself where you want to be. Now just maintain a strong belief in yourself and your skills, stick with it, and don’t give up. If you can do that, you’re already half way there!

How To Regain Your Lost Self Confidence

Nobody can hurt you without your consent

There are many instances in life where your confidence is hit hard. Sometimes you overcome life’s hardness, sometimes you get overwhelmed. Sometimes your courage and confidence sees you through, but sometimes your self-confidence gets a beating. However, the point here to remember is that “Nobody can hurt you without your consent.” The problem is not as important as the impact it had on you, rather the impact that YOU let the problem create on you. In life pain is inevitable but suffering is optional, as the saying goes. It’s purely your choice, and whether you choose to bounce back or suffer is entirely your prerogative.

There can be many reasons that your self-confidence is hurt. You may have had a bad marriage and now are heading for a divorce. You were not chosen for your college’s football team; you may have been laid off. There’s definitely a lot of pain involved in any of the situations. But you don’t necessarily have to suffer. You must arise and resolve to get back your confidence.

The following ways would help you do just that.

Look at the brighter side

If you have been laid off, it would be okay to feel bad about it for a day or two but not more than that. Losing a job is a terrible thing, but it does not mean the end of the world. Who knows it might be a blessing in disguise. Maybe you have got some time to review your life, get aware of where you are going, have a look at your likes and hobbies which you could not develop because of pressures of your job. Maybe this is an opportunity to start afresh and live your life a new way which is more in sync with your abilities and aptitude. Similarly, a divorce may cause great pain but then you weren’t too happy in your marriage either. It probably was just not meant to be. Now you have a chance to rebuild your life the way you want it to be.

Stop comparing yourself with other people

When we have a problem we always question God – “Oh, God, why me?” Certainly God gave you a lot of rewards as well. Did you then get up and ask God -”Oh God, why me?” That’s what human nature is all about. We complain and remember God when we are in trouble or else we are too busy with ourselves. Stop looking at other people who seem too happy and comfortable to you from a distance. Stop comparing their comfort with your suffering. This will only frustrate you further. Focus on yourself and make every effort you can make to go out whenever you are feeling down. Self-pity is very addictive and capable of destroying lives. Instead of indulging in self-pity (though we all do from time to time), take control of your life and take responsibility for your actions, learn from your mistakes and make a fresh start. And yeah…don’t be bogged down when you hear a “NO”. A “NO” is something which even greats like Edison and Ford, too, had to face. If you look at them positively, you will find that each “NO” actually takes you closer to a “YES.” It’s been reported time and time again that Edison conducted more than a thousand failed experiments before he actually made an electric bulb! So get going and take the an occasional no in stride.

Are you standing in your own way

You will notice that shadows are caused when we stand in the path of sunshine. In our lives, too, we cause a lot of shadows by standing in the way of our own happiness. In today’s world, it is important to be flexible. A lot of people will look for a job for months, yet still reject work coming their way because they are not willing to adapt to some new job requirements. Jane, a schoolteacher, was laid off from her job. She kept trying for months to get a job as a teacher while rejecting opportunities such as taking private tuitions, being a nanny, doing copy-editing work as a freelancer. The long wait hurt her self-confidence even more. Sometimes it is wise to be a little flexible and adapt ourselves to new job demands rather than to look exactly for what we lost. It helps regain confidence quickly which brings along enough energy to get an even better job in the field of your choice!

Healthy Environment For Self Esteem

Healthy self esteem originates in the environment found in the: family, school, peer group, work place, and community. There are certain characteristics of your environment that need to be present in order for self esteem to be fostered and grow.

The main component of a healthy environment for self esteem is that it needs to be nurturing. It should provide unconditional warmth, love, and caring. It needs to provide the realization that other people are recognized as deserving to be nurtured, reinforced, rewarded, and bonded to.

Healthy environment for self esteem transmits messages of warmth, loving, and caring by physical touch, meeting the survival needs of food, clothing and shelter, and providing a sense of stability and order in life.

A healthy environment for self esteem should provide acceptance. It will recognize that other people see each other as worthy individuals who have a unique set of personality characteristics, skills, abilities, and competencies making them special. Acceptance enables people to develop relationships with others, yet maintain healthy boundaries of individuality within themselves.

In the healthy environment for self esteem should be good communication, everyone should be heard and responded to in a healthy way so that healthy problem solving is possible. Appropriate giving and receiving of feedback is encouraged and rewarded. Communicating at a “feelings” level is a mode of operation for these people, allowing them to be in touch with their emotions in a productive manner.

The healthy environment for self esteem must contain recognition and acceptance of people for who they are. That recognition and acceptance should not be based on the condition that they must first conform to a prescribed standard of behavior or conduct. This is unhealthy. Unconditional recognition and acceptance given in the form of support allows individuals to reach their ultimate potential.

The healthy environment for self esteem should be clearly defined and enforced limits known to individuals with no hidden tricks or manipulation. Limits set the structure for the lives of individuals, allowing clear benchmarks of appropriate and inappropriate behavior. Limits enable individuals to recognize their responsibilities and to chart their course of behavior in a rational way.

Respect and latitude for individual action within the defined limits of the healthy environment for self esteem should be present as well. This encourages individuals to use their creativity, ingenuity, and imagination to be productive within the established structure. Restrictions that suppress individuality can lead to a narrow focus, with people becoming stunted and handicapped in the use of their personal skills, abilities, and resources.

Finally, healthy environment for self esteem should be bonding, which is the physical/emotional phenomenon between individuals and the others in their environment. This is necessary for the development of healthy self esteem. Bonding is forming a mutual emotional attachment between an individual and a “significant other” (parent, child, friend, lover, etc.). This involves the significant other giving unconditional love and support as well as developing an emotional link between each other.

Build Confidence With Strategies That Really Work

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Wouldn’t it be grand if we could just wake up in the morning, brush our teeth and put on our confidence for the day?

Well, for those of us who don’t have a drawer full, here are 4 simple strategies that will help you build confidence.

1. Accentuate the positive.

Be your own best friend. What do you tell a friend who’s tried something new, whether or not it turned out well? At least you tried something new- good for you!

Accentuate the effort it took in doing something, rather than the final outcome. (You’d do it for your best friend, wouldn’t you?) We all have limitations. The key is to accept that you have them without dwelling on them.

2. Don’t be afraid to take some risks.

When you are about to embark on a new experience, do you spend your time worrying so much about the outcome you aren’t enjoying the moment? If you look at new things in your life as a chance to learn something, it opens up the possibility of you becoming good at that something.

If you spend your time dreading the outcome, you’ll turn any opportunity there might have been into a failure. What’s more, we can’t grow when we are frozen with fear. Don’t set yourself up to fail. If you do, look at number one, again!

3. Use self-talk to keep assumptions away.

We all use self-talk. The key is to use it in a way that we don’t form bad thoughts that can lead to permanent doubts. Catch yourself using negative self-talk and cancel it with something positive and not based on assumptions!

Build confidence by not expecting perfection from yourself at all times. You can only do your very best at something. Nobody can do everything perfectly, so why do you assume that you should be able to?

4. Learn to rely on your self-evaluation.

If you always rely on the opinion of others, you’ll always be wondering what they think! That does nothing to build confidence – it tears it down, by giving away your personal power to others.

Focus on the real you, inside, to find out how you feel about your own actions, how you’ve been doing your job, etc. You’ll be developing a strong sense of who you are.

It’s important to remember that no one can be self-confident all of the time. In fact, you’ll build confidence faster and easier once your realize that.

Most people with low self-esteem or who lack in confidence are that way because of unrealistic expectations. They expect more from themselves than they do others.

A person with low self-esteem will think nothing about calling him or herself a ‘stupid idiot.’ They wouldn’t dream of saying that to someone else. To build confidence it’s a good idea to be your own best friend.

How To Have Confidence By Adopting A Realistic Attitude

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If you are struggling with how to have confidence in your life, you are not alone. Most people think that self-confidence is something that lucky people have, people who can do anything and everything.

Part of the problem with confidence is we think we have to have tons and tons of it and all the time. The reality is, that not everyone knows how to have confidence in all situations.

Self-confidence is really an attitude a person has, that allows them to have a positive view of themselves and the situations life may put them. People with a confident attitude are realistic. They trust in their own abilities and believe that they will be able to do most of what they want to do in life. They know they can’t do everything.

To look at how to have confidence you need to understand that the typical person is always going to have some areas in their life that they are more confident than others.

You can be very athletic and comfortably confident in your athletic abilities while not feeling confident when meeting new people. Chances are you are confident in more ways than you may realize. The key to discovering a realistic self-confidence is to remove some of the false beliefs you may have developed.

1. False Belief:

I believe that to be successful in life I have to be competent in all the important areas of life.

Realistic Belief:

I know that achievement-based thinking is not the true way to feel worthy. I get some satisfaction when I achieve things that I set out to do, but I know that failures have nothing to do with my personal worth. I was born worthy.

2. False Belief:

The past has shown me how to have confidence in myself or not. My past is my most important guidance-system.

Realistic Belief:

As we grow we don’t have the same vulnerabilities we did when we were young. You’ve gained some awareness on what you think should continue to influence you in life. You choose which areas of the past that you’ll allow to steer the present, but you don’t have to be a slave to the past.

3. False Belief:

Everybody knows that bad things happen more than good things. The good things I do can’t be given too much importance with all the bad. People remember the bad so I should, too. Maybe if I concentrate hard enough, I’ll have less bad results.

Realistic Belief:

I know that if I win 4 out of 5 times, that dwelling on the one time I lose and how terrible I feel is not a positive outlook. I know I can’t win all the time! It’s enough for me to do well at something most of the time.

I can use how good it feels to win next time things aren’t falling my way, because I know it’s only a temporary setback.

Learning how to have confidence has a lot to do with learning how to have a more realistic attitude towards life’s ups and downs.

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4 Psychological Needs Help Deal With Conflict

Internal conflict, conflict within yourself, reflects the difference between what you really feel and what you are able or choose to do about it. Interpersonal conflict occurs between you and another person when what they do or say is different to what you feel and vice-versa.

Everyone has four basic psychological needs. These are the need to be valued, to be in control, the need for self esteem or self worth, and lastly the need for consistency or stability.

1. The need to be valued or appreciated by others is a basic psychological requirement

You want others to recognize your worth and appreciate your contributions. You are more motivated when your contributions are recognized. When you feel unappreciated, taken advantage of, or taken for granted your need to be appreciated and valued has been violated and this can trigger a response of fear, anger or frequently both.

2. The need to be in control

Being in control is important for everyone, but more for some than others. The more insecure you feel about yourself, the more controlling you may become. On the other hand, if you feel secure and confident about yourself, then your need to control others will reduce.

Whenever you have to deal with an over controlling person remember their need to control comes from their insecurity. Make them feel secure and their need to control will normally reduce.

3. The need for self esteem and self worth

By this I mean you should appreciate yourself and look to your strengths rather than any weakness (we all have both). A strong self esteem gives you a powerful, solid base for dealing with all types of problems and situations.

With a strong self esteem, you have the ability to positively respond or react to any type of situation, rather than reacting negatively by panicking of avoiding the potential conflict.

4. The need to be consistent

You need to know what is likely to happen in any given situation. You need consistency from family, partners, friends, everyone in your life otherwise you are always anxious about the unexpected.

This is not to say that no-one can change their minds but someone who changes opinions or reacts differently to the same situation brings a level of insecurity in to your life and you never know how to react.

The reason some people feel the need to change comes from their insecurity. They are insecure in themselves so they try to fit in with others all the time and will agree with whoever they feel is the most dominant personality.

Whenever any of these needs are not met conflicts, internal, external or both, are produced and people usually react in one of four ways.

They can retaliate, dominate, isolate, or cooperate.

Retaliation and domination can result in extreme violence. Isolation separates the parties but does not resolve the conflict whereas with cooperation one party allows their feelings to be ignored and accepts the opinion of another over their own.

If you are aware of these basic needs and reactions you will begin to understand how and why you and others react the way you do. Considering these needs, understanding them and acting upon them will make you a more complete and therefore a more confident person and will give you strength at times of conflict.

It Took A Tragedy To Help Me To Increase My Self Esteem

There are many people seeking help and ways to increase their self-esteem or self-confidence. This article describes how I managed to pull myself out of depression, and how I boosted my own self-esteem by hearing about a tragedy which happened in my local area.

I am the type of person who always saw life as one big struggle. I thought that I had it tough, that I was so unfortunate. To say that I worried about things was an understatement. I stressed so much that my hair began to turn grey by the age of twenty-one. My self-esteem had been shot to pieces by people who had bullied me at school and despite many attempts to achieve happiness, had not been able to find it. I was a very negative thinker and certainly did not appreciate what I actually did have in life, which were a superb family and some good friends.

The tragic event

One day when I was around my early to mid twenties, I went to the hairdressers for my monthly trim. I knew the lady who worked in there quite well and we often had a good gossip. What she was about to tell me, not only came as a shock, but would change my life forever.

She asked me if I had heard about the car crash, that had happened over the weekend. I hadn’t and she then went on to describe what had happened.

Three young men who were all aged twenty-two, were on the way for an evening in the local public house. One of them decided he would drive and on the way there, partly due to the fact that he was driving too quickly, he lost control of the car. His vehicle had then careered straight into a large tree, all three of the people in the car had died at the scene.

She continued that one of the men which had died, had worked in the butchers, which was only two doors away from her shop. She described the man in question, which turned out to be a person that I knew, just to say hello to. I actually saw him on most mornings and we often smiled at each other, and would say something like, hi there.

I know that this type of event happens everyday, however this had really took me by surprise and had quite a big impact on me. I was asking myself many questions such as:

Why him?

Why did he have to die so young, he seemed so harmless and friendly?

Later on when I was at home, I started to think even more about this particular person. Even though he was friendly, he always looked quite stressed and did not seem that happy. If he had known what was about to happen to him, I am sure he would have made the most of the time he had left.

It should not have taken this kind of tragedy to bring me to my senses, but it did. I suddenly realised that we are all terminally ill as we all will die at some point in the future. I am sorry if that is a bit morbid, but it is true. Not all of us will live until retirement age and our lives could end tomorrow.

I then decided that I had to change my approach to life, I needed to make the most of whatever time I had left. Time spent stressing is time wasted. I am now just going to go for it and not worry about, for example, what people think of me.

I also thought about the family and friends of the people who had died. I can’t really imagine what they were going through as I have never been in that situation, however is must be awful. Those people have a reason to feel sorry for themselves, not me.

Life is no longer the struggle it once was, I do not care how much money I have or what car I drive or what opinion people may have of me. I fully appreciate my sense of smell, my ability to walk and talk, my family and my friends. I will die at some point but in the mean time I am going to live life to the full.

I hope this article can help you to increase your self-esteem and in conclusion, life is to short to worry. Walk tall and be proud of who you are. Think about all the positive aspects of your life, rather than the negative ones. Good luck.

The Key To Developing Your Self Esteem

Self-esteem is a state of mind. It can fill you with happiness, cheer, and confidence. It can also make you feel terrible about yourself. Self-esteem is like a battery. When the battery is charged, the individual is positive; when the battery is low, the individual is negative.

Individuals with low self-esteem often do not do well in life. They will approach most situations with little confidence though they may be fully capable of accomplishing it. Self-belief is considered the foundation of self-esteem. It provides the extra confidence that one needs to know they can do anything.

So how do you develop self-belief in yourself? Do not mistake self-belief as self-importance. They are not the same. It is more like conceit, spawn over confidence and egotism, which does not lead to personal success.

The right answer is positive self-esteem. This means that you see yourself as good and capable as anyone else, no better or worse, you are proud of who you are, and you approach everything with a positive outlook.

To do this you must learn to accept yourself unconditionally. You will have strengths and weaknesses, and you will have achievements and failures. You must learn to accept those realities. This is what self-esteem is all about – truth in yourself.

Those who always languish are never happy. Those who blame everyone else for their failures also never get ahead. They are consumed with negativity.

It is important to not let your mistakes or failures overpower you, and ruin your happiness. You have to accept your mistakes and move on. Any time you do not acknowledge your mistakes, you lose some of your self-esteem.

Most people gain a lot of happiness from their accomplishments. Their self-esteem rises; they feel like they can accomplish anything. However, the same self-esteem can fall when that person is rejected or makes a mistake. This can cause a person to feel unhappy and unwanted, and can eat away at his self-esteem until he is very unhappy. It will also impact other realms of his life.

In order to improve your self-esteem, you need to be fair to yourself. Do not beat yourself up when something goes wrong. It can lead to depression and overwhelming guilt. A mistake or failure cannot be changed, but it can be learned from. Everyone should judge himself or herself fairly. Beating up on oneself leads to defeat, and destroys self-esteem.

The Awesome Power Of Words

On some playground as I child, I learned to sing the song “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.” I guess that was to appease the bullies on the playground as we stuck out our tongues at them, but in reality it couldn’t be farther from the truth. Words do hurt and they can do great harm. Wars have been fought because of words.

There are many people who are struggling in life today not because of physical injuries on a playground but from words spoken out in anger, rage or disgust. Physical injuries through the years have healed fast and words have not healed so fast. For many, negative and destructive words play over and over like a bad movie in the heart and soul.

Words are very powerful. We listen to the words spoken to us and they impact us more than we realize. They move us, inspire us to action, comfort and encourage us, bring healing or they can crush us and devastate us. We are changed either positively or negatively simply because of words. We are even impacted by our own words and tend to follow what we have declared. You have heard people say they are not good enough, smart enough and it seems that their life follows suit. They almost become self-fulfilling prophecies.

I am reminded what the writer of Proverbs says about the power of words:

“The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.” Proverbs 18:20

“A fool’s mouth is his undoing and his lips are a snare to his soul.” Proverbs 18:7

Be careful of what you say as it just might come to pass. I am not advocating that we never speak what is reality. If we are hurt, angry or depressed, denying it is not going to make it go away. I do think it would serve us well to take inventory of our speech. What would it be like to tape ourselves on any given today? We probably would not be very happy by what we heard. What are we declaring about ourselves on a daily basis? What is our self-talk like?

When we speak, we really are listening to our own words and those words are impacting us either positively or negatively. What would happen if our words started sounding more like God’s words about us? What would happen if were intentional about speaking words that brought life and encouragement to ourselves and others?

Our words are powerful. They are ever changing us and others around us. What kind of life do we really want to live? If our tongues have the power of life and death and you and I are going to eat the fruit of our conversations, I say it’s time to start speaking in the right direction. If we can learn to encourage, build up and not to tear down ourselves or others around us, I believe we will experience powerful changes of good “fruit” in our lives!

Fear Of Success

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It is well documented that many people fail to achieve their goals in life due to the phenomenon known as “fear of failure” but are you aware that a major factor that is often overlooked, is a state known as “fear of success”?

Fear of failure will lead many people into inertia – the inability to make decision or take action in case they receive rejection or negative outcomes. This mental state is fairky easy to identify and there are many tools in the personal development industry to help combat this plague and reprogram the mind for success. However, the fear of success is much more subtle, harder to spot and also harder to eradicate.

Perhaps you have this tendency in your life. Here are some indications of a fear of success mentality.

Studying and trying to implement self-improvement techniques and/or personal development tools but your life does not improve or may even get worse.

You settle for less than you feel you deserve or are capable of achieving.

You start new projects full of enthusiasm and optimism but wane in your efforts or stop short before you have completed them.

You expect things to go wrong no matter how well the situation appears to be at the moment.

Can you identify your own patterns in the any of the above statements?

The fear of success can also make you behave in ways that hold you back. Look at the list below. These are ethe symptoms of the fear of success.

Procrastination – putting off what needs to be done or not doing what you know will bring you closer to your desired result. Everyone suffers from this inner ‘demon’ at some point in their lives (although some of us suffer from it more than others!).

Procrastination is a ‘success killer’! How can ou expect to reach your destinationm if you do not take steps towards it? Strive to do little things each day that will bring you small steps closer to your goal. This is why having a personal development plan is an essential ingredient in the fight against procrastination. Take action! Any action! Refine your steps as you go along but do not sit and do nothing. Taking action is one of the key aspects in personal development.

Can’t see the forest for the trees! – this is almost the opposite of procrastination but has the same effect on your personal development. The aforementioned saying is well known but have you ever given it real consideration?

Don’t get caught up in your plan believing that it is more important than the materialised goal! For many years I got caught in this trap. I started to think and act as though my plan was more important than my end result and thus missed many opportunities to alter my path and reach my goals more quickly! Let go of your ego and allow the Universe to show you a quicker route to your goal. Remain flexible.

Thinking that the time is not right – have you ever waited until the timing was perfect before starting a venture? Have you ever waited until you had more information on a better plan?

Again ACTION is the key to the door to success. Taking small steps forward are better than taking none or waiting to see if your foot is landing on the right spot! Even if your actions take you away from your goal you have at least gained insight and knowledge about what does not work!

Being a perfectionist – this is similar to the point above and has the same effect, namely, that you never really move forward. No matter how good a job is when its finished it can always be improved! I have heard many great musicians tell how they hate listening to their own songs because they can find a million things that need improved. Yet, we still enjoy them. I think a classic example of this is “Bridge Over Troubled Water” by Paul Simon. This song is hauntingly beautiful yet Mr. Simon does not think its good enough!

Seeing only problems – how do you use your focus? Do you constantly see only and alll the problems involved? If you are this way inclined it is pointless trying to change overnight! However, you can use this mindset to your advantage while you strive in your personal development to acquire an opportunistic frame of mind instead.

“How can you use seeing only problems to my advantage?” you say. “Easily”, is my reply! Look at the problems and prepare a plan to deal with them. Everytime you overcome one congratulate yourself. Use them as a gauge for your achievements. If you keep seeing more problems remind yourself of how well you dealt with the others. Look at how far you have come! If you see a problem ask yourself, “how best can I overcome this challenge?” or “how quickly can I rectify this situation?”. The quality of your questions are important as I have outlined in a previous article. Use the problems as fact finders. Is there a real problem now? If so then deal with it. Is it a potential problem? If so then create a contingency plan in case it does occur but don’t get caught up in it just be prepared.

Enjoy the journey, follow the above guidelines and you will achieve success. Eventually your fear of success will dissipate and you will have moved a long way forward in your personal development.

Addiction To Complaining

Complaining is a way of life for some people. It was certainly a way of life for my mother. I don’t remember a day going by without her complaining, endlessly. I don’t think I ever heard a word of gratitude out of my mother’s mouth. No matter how good things were, she would manage to find something wrong. No matter how perfect I was – and God knows I tried to be perfect! – she always found something wrong with me, as well as with my father.

Over the years of counseling others, I’ve noticed that some people start every session with a complaint. They can’t seem to help it. Like my mother, they are addicted to complaining.

Why do people complain? What is it they want or hope for when they complain?

People who complain are generally people who have not done the emotional and spiritual work of developing a loving, compassionate inner adult self. They are operating as a wounded child in need of love, attention and compassion. Because they have not learned to give themselves the attention and compassion they need, they seek to get these needs met by others. Complaining is a way they have learned to attempt to get this. They use complaining as a form of control, hoping to guilt others into giving them the attention, caring and compassion they seek.

Complaining is a “pull” on other people. Energetically, complainers are pulling on others for caring and understanding because they have emotionally abandoned themselves. They are like demanding little children. The problem is that most people dislike being pulled on and demanded of. Most people don’t want emotional responsibility for another person and will withdraw in the face of another’s complaints.

This is what my father did. He withdrew, shut down, was emotionally unavailable to my mother as a way to protect himself from being controlled by her complaints. Of course, he didn’t just do this in response to my mother. He had learned to withdraw as a child in response to his own mother’s complaints and criticism. He entered the marriage ready to withdraw in the face of my mother’s pull, while she entered the marriage ready to make my father emotionally responsible for her. A perfect match!

My father’s withdrawal, of course, only served to exacerbate my mother’s complaining, and she constantly complained about my father’s lack of caring about her. Likewise, my mother’s complaining served to exacerbate my father’s already withdrawn way of being. This vicious circle started early and continued unabated for the 60 years of their marriage, until my mother died.

While my parents loved each other, their ability to express their love got buried beneath the dysfunctional system they created. Unfortunately, this is all too common in relationships. One person pulling – with complaints, anger, judgment, and other forms of control – and the other withdrawing, is the most common relationship system I work with.

A person addicted to complaining will not be able to stop complaining until he or she does the inner work of developing an adult part of themselves capable of giving themselves the love, caring, understanding and compassion they need. As long as they believe that it is another’s responsibility to be the adult for them and fill them with love, they will not take on this responsibility for themselves.

Our inner child – the feeling part of us – needs attention, approval, caring. If we don’t learn to give this to ourselves, then this wounded child part of ourselves will either seek to get it from others, or learn to numb out with substance and process addictions – food, alcohol, drugs, TV, work, gambling, and so on. If, as a child, a person saw others get attention through complaining – as my mother did with my grandmother – and if complaining worked for the child to get what he or she wanted, then it can become an addiction. Like all addictions, it may work for the moment, but it will never fill the deep inner need for love. Only we can fill this need for ourselves, by opening our hearts to the Source of love. Only we can do the inner work of developing a loving adult capable of opening to the love of Spirit and bringing that love to the child within. People stop complaining when they learn to fill themselves with love.

Knowledge Is Not Power

Whoever first said that knowledge is power was probably selling encyclopedias. Knowledge is a tool, like money and influence. Tools are only powerful if they are used effectively. How, then, do you make a headful of knowledge into a powerful tool?

1. By seeing clearly what can be done.

2. By seeing clearly your own limitations.

3. By acting on what you know.

Wise Action, Not Knowledge, Is Power

Investors often learn so much that they think they can consistently predict the course of the stock market. In reality, there are probably fewer than ten old investors that have never lost money. Wise investors know that the best they can do is get the odds in their favor, so they’ll have more wins than losses. You have to see the limitations of knowledge.

I can read about how to sing, and even get advice from a voice coach, but I can’t sing well. I’m not saying that I could never sing well, only that right now I cannot. If I’m not willing to do what is necessary, then I would be wise to look for a non-singing way to make money. You have to see our own limitations.

The most important part of making knowledge into power, is to act. You can study political philosophy and every aspect of the political process for a decade, and still have no power. Power is in the effective application of what you know.

Imagine an inventor with a hundred ideas on paper. He has a head full of knowledge, and a creative imagination, but nothing to show for it. Now imagine a simple man with one new invention, who understands the limits of innovation without marketing, and sees his own limitations in that area. He seeks out the people that can help, and makes a million. Now that’s power.

PERFORMANCE ANXIETY

Beverly had suffered from anxiety most of her life. As a child, she slept poorly and often had nightmares. She bit her nails and would chew on the skin around her nails until they were raw and bleeding. Beverly had tried many forms of therapy, meditation and medication before consulting with me. She had a strong belief in God and prayed daily. Yet she was still anxious and could not understand the source of her anxiety.

Beverly grew up in a “normal” household with two parents who seemingly loved her. Yet as we explored her childhood, it became apparent that, while there was no overt abuse, the covert emotional abuse was constant. Her parents were highly critical of her and would get angry and withdraw when she didn’t perform to their expectations. Her mother was not affectionate and her father’s affection was tinged with sexual energy that frightened her.

Beverly felt tense much of the time in her home. Her parents fought a lot and her mother would often end up crying hysterically while her father withdrew behind his newspaper. What she did not see in her household was any role-modeling for taking personal responsibility for her own feelings. Her mother would blame her and her father whenever she was unhappy, while her father would blame her and her mother for his upsets. Beverly always tried to be a good girl and be there for her parents, but no one was ever there for her.

It’s easy to see why Beverly was so anxious as a child. But what was causing her anxiety as an adult?

The problem was that Beverly had never learned how to be a loving parent to herself, because her parents had not been loving to her or to themselves. She was kind and generous with others, but she tended to ignore her own feelings and needs. The little girl inside Beverly, her Inner Child, felt alone and abandoned inside most of the time. In addition, she was highly critical of herself, just as her parents had been with her. She was constantly telling herself that she couldn’t do anything right.

Beverly was treating herself just as her parents had treated her and themselves. Little Beverly did not have a powerful loving inner adult to attend to her feelings or speak up for her with others. Instead, she was neglectful or critical of herself. Due to abandoning herself and not giving herself love and approval, she was constantly seeking approval from others. As a result, Beverly felt anxious in many situations with others – with friends, at work, as well as with her husband and children. She was constantly trying to “perform” right so people would approve of her or not be mad at her. She was constantly suffering from “performance anxiety.”

Beverly saw that much of her anxiety centered around wanting to control how others saw her and treated her. She realized that she judged herself in the hopes of getting herself to perform right. She noticed that she was constantly seeking others’ approval because of being so critical of herself.

Learning to be compassionate with herself rather than judgmental was a challenge that took time and dedication. She was so used to judging herself that she would do it without realizing it. Through her inner work, Beverly became aware of the fact that most of the critical things she told herself about herself were just not true – they were beliefs she had absorbed from her parents but were not the reality of who she was. As she paid attention to her self-judgments, she noticed that her anxiety was directly related to her judgments, false beliefs, and desire to control getting approval from others.

As Beverly slowly learned to be a loving inner parent rather than a critical one, her anxiety gradually diminished. Any time it she felt anxious, she could now trace it back to something she had told herself that not only was not true, but was self-critical. She discovered that she had been using her spiritual connection as a way of avoiding responsibility for herself, rather than as guidance in what was loving to herself. As she opened to learning about what was loving to herself, she gained more access to and connection with her spiritual source of guidance. The more Beverly took loving care of herself, the more inner peace she attained.

Performance Anxiety

Beverly had suffered from anxiety most of her life. As a child, she slept poorly and often had nightmares. She bit her nails and would chew on the skin around her nails until they were raw and bleeding.

Beverly had tried many forms of therapy, meditation and medication before consulting with me. She had a strong belief in God and prayed daily. Yet she was still anxious and could not understand the source of her anxiety.

Beverly grew up in a “normal” household with two parents who seemingly loved her. Yet as we explored her childhood, it became apparent that, while there was no overt abuse, the covert emotional abuse was constant. Her parents were highly critical of her and would get angry and withdraw when she didn’t perform to their expectations. Her mother was not affectionate and her father’s affection was tinged with sexual energy that frightened her.

Beverly felt tense much of the time in her home. Her parents fought a lot and her mother would often end up crying hysterically while her father withdrew behind his newspaper. What she did not see in her household was any role-modeling for taking personal responsibility for her own feelings. Her mother would blame her and her father whenever she was unhappy, while her father would blame her and her mother for his upsets. Beverly always tried to be a good girl and be there for her parents, but no one was ever there for her.

It’s easy to see why Beverly was so anxious as a child. But what was causing her anxiety as an adult?

The problem was that Beverly had never learned how to be a loving parent to herself, because her parents had not been loving to her or to themselves. She was kind and generous with others, but she tended to ignore her own feelings and needs. The little girl inside Beverly, her Inner Child, felt alone and abandoned inside most of the time. In addition, she was highly critical of herself, just as her parents had been with her. She was constantly telling herself that she couldn’t do anything right.

Beverly was treating herself just as her parents had treated her and themselves. Little Beverly did not have a powerful loving inner adult to attend to her feelings or speak up for her with others. Instead, she was neglectful or critical of herself. Due to abandoning herself and not giving herself love and approval, she was constantly seeking approval from others. As a result, Beverly felt anxious in many situations with others – with friends, at work, as well as with her husband and children. She was constantly trying to “perform” right so people would approve of her or not be mad at her. She was constantly suffering from “performance anxiety.”

Beverly saw that much of her anxiety centered around wanting to control how others saw her and treated her. She realized that she judged herself in the hopes of getting herself to perform right. She noticed that she was constantly seeking others’ approval because of being so critical of herself.

Learning to be compassionate with herself rather than judgmental was a challenge that took time and dedication. She was so used to judging herself that she would do it without realizing it. Through her inner work, Beverly became aware of the fact that most of the critical things she told herself about herself were just not true – they were beliefs she had absorbed from her parents but were not the reality of who she was. As she paid attention to her self-judgments, she noticed that her anxiety was directly related to her judgments, false beliefs, and desire to control getting approval from others.

As Beverly slowly learned to be a loving inner parent rather than a critical one, her anxiety gradually diminished. Any time it she felt anxious, she could now trace it back to something she had told herself that not only was not true, but was self-critical. She discovered that she had been using her spiritual connection as a way of avoiding responsibility for herself, rather than as guidance in what was loving to herself. As she opened to learning about what was loving to herself, she gained more access to and connection with her spiritual source of guidance. The more Beverly took loving care of herself, the more inner peace she attained.