Self reflection is commonly defined as the capacity of humans to exercise introspection and the willingness to learn more about our fundamental nature, purpose and essence. Let's take a moment to exam the various components of that definition.
Introspection is vital to our nature and should not be confused with self-love, or dating one's self. If you generally find some time within your busy life to stop and look at how you're feeling and why - that's introspection. If you go out alone on a Saturday night to dinner and a movie, and then take advantage of yourself latter that night - that's not introspection, and you need to get a life.
Learning more about our fundamental nature can be scary, particularly when you thought you signed up for a summer camp and find yourself making videos with Arabic sub-titles. Of course our fundamental nature as humans demands that we create things that last, like the "pull my finger" joke. People generally learn the most about their fundamental nature after they have consumed too much alcohol and end up "worshiping the porcelain god."
Purpose is another vital factor in self-reflection. Do not confuse your purpose should not be confused with your dolphin, which is a fun loving animal that does anything for a herring. If your purpose calls on you to do for a herring, you have not reflected enough.
Self-reflection and essence go nose in glove. Being in touch with your essence helps you, well, being in touch with your essence. The next best thing is having another consenting adult being in touch with your essence.
So, in conclusion, self-reflection is dangerous, and should only be attempted by professionals and those with large amounts of life insurance.
Rob O'Hannon.
Tuesday 4 September 2007
True confidence can only come from yourself.
True confidence can only come from yourself. If you need outside validation of who you are then you can have your confidence taken away from you in the blink of an eye. Or the spiteful remark of any stranger.
So how do you instill confidence in yourself? You have to make it your mission for a month or two to increase your confidence. This means that you concentrate on this task as a conscious part of your day. Every day you need to get out of bed and look yourself in the eye and praise you! Every night before bed you have to look yourself in the eye and praise YOU! This will be very hard to start with. But it will get easier. And don't lie to yourself! You'll KNOW!
Each day make a list of things you like about yourself. Each day as you get more practice at this and go deeper and deeper into your own personality you will find more and more things about yourself to like.
The next step is to admit your faults. Once you have the list of your faults and you can look at that list without flinching you can start to improve on any qualities you feel you need to.
Every day make a list of things you did that day that you can be proud of. This will help you to start being more and more conscious of the decisions you make. As you make a decision in your day (knowing you will be accountable to yourself later on) you can start to feel more and more confident of yourself in each moment.
So once you have started to praise yourself you will find things that you have done or things you've been told about yourself in the past that bring you down. As these thoughts are noticed you will need to be kind to consciously put them aside and take away their power by saying to yourself. Just because someone says it, doesn't make it true. I am in charge of my destiny and only I know the truth of who I am. I don't care what other people think of me.
Getting an attitude that you don't care what other people think of you will definitely start improving your self confidence. Remember you can't please EVERYONE all of the time! So no matter how hard you try you'll never be the perfect person for everyone else's tastes.
Once you have praised yourself and have a "I don't care what other people think of me" attitude you next need to learn how to 'FAKE IT!' So pretend you're a confident person. Try it out. Next cup of coffee you buy walk into the coffee shop with the thought in your mind "I am a confident man/woman". You'll walk more upright and hold your head at a different angle and you'll look people in the eye and hold their eye as you speak to them. The more you practice this the more comfortable you'll become with your new confident self.
Be kind to yourself throughout this process though. You're probably trying to un-learn many years of conditioning and you will forget to praise yourself, forget to make your lists and forget to 'fake it' occasionally. Just remember to start it again. If at the end of the first month you don't feel you're more confident then keep going. If at the end of the second month there is no improvement you will need to seek the services of a professional counselor or psychiatrist as your lack of confidence is deep rooted and may need more intense work.
Kyra Patterson.
So how do you instill confidence in yourself? You have to make it your mission for a month or two to increase your confidence. This means that you concentrate on this task as a conscious part of your day. Every day you need to get out of bed and look yourself in the eye and praise you! Every night before bed you have to look yourself in the eye and praise YOU! This will be very hard to start with. But it will get easier. And don't lie to yourself! You'll KNOW!
Each day make a list of things you like about yourself. Each day as you get more practice at this and go deeper and deeper into your own personality you will find more and more things about yourself to like.
The next step is to admit your faults. Once you have the list of your faults and you can look at that list without flinching you can start to improve on any qualities you feel you need to.
Every day make a list of things you did that day that you can be proud of. This will help you to start being more and more conscious of the decisions you make. As you make a decision in your day (knowing you will be accountable to yourself later on) you can start to feel more and more confident of yourself in each moment.
So once you have started to praise yourself you will find things that you have done or things you've been told about yourself in the past that bring you down. As these thoughts are noticed you will need to be kind to consciously put them aside and take away their power by saying to yourself. Just because someone says it, doesn't make it true. I am in charge of my destiny and only I know the truth of who I am. I don't care what other people think of me.
Getting an attitude that you don't care what other people think of you will definitely start improving your self confidence. Remember you can't please EVERYONE all of the time! So no matter how hard you try you'll never be the perfect person for everyone else's tastes.
Once you have praised yourself and have a "I don't care what other people think of me" attitude you next need to learn how to 'FAKE IT!' So pretend you're a confident person. Try it out. Next cup of coffee you buy walk into the coffee shop with the thought in your mind "I am a confident man/woman". You'll walk more upright and hold your head at a different angle and you'll look people in the eye and hold their eye as you speak to them. The more you practice this the more comfortable you'll become with your new confident self.
Be kind to yourself throughout this process though. You're probably trying to un-learn many years of conditioning and you will forget to praise yourself, forget to make your lists and forget to 'fake it' occasionally. Just remember to start it again. If at the end of the first month you don't feel you're more confident then keep going. If at the end of the second month there is no improvement you will need to seek the services of a professional counselor or psychiatrist as your lack of confidence is deep rooted and may need more intense work.
Kyra Patterson.
Why do women need to eternally justify their presence in the workplace through the concept of 'merit'?
Why do women need to eternally justify their presence in the workplace through the concept of 'merit'?
Is it a tacit acknowledgement that they are, in fact, 'inferior' and, if any woman actually makes it her gender has been done a great favour and they all should be grateful? Are women not entitled to be appointed or promoted without any undue enquiries as to their worth?
Perhaps such justification seems to be important because even the women themselves appear to have accepted that only men should get certain jobs, particularly in politics. Thus, if a woman qualifies at all to fill their shoes, there has to be much hullabaloo to convince everyone that the male 'standards' haven't slipped, neither will they be lowered and the 'fortunate' woman truly merited carrying the baton of male authority.
Incredibly, the act of always linking women with the word merit has not been seen as a gross insult by anyone, especially when many men have been appointed or elected to the highest offices because of their gender through the ubiquitous 'old boy' networks. On such occasions, the question of merit never seems to have any relevance at all. But women do have it in their power to change perceptions of themselves, especially if they take the initiative.
For example, in its first few years, the prestigious British Booker prize for the best book of the year mainly went to men, and mainly male authors were shortlisted. Few women writers seemed able enough to even be in that final list. Their writing was never perceived to be up to standard. When, in 1991, not a single woman was shortlisted, the Orange prize exclusively for women was introduced soon after that with an even bigger prize money than Booker, precipitating an indignant debate around its merits and rationale. It raised hackles to the roof because, suddenly, women no longer had to wait forever to have their talents acknowledged by a virtual all male club. Naturally, there were the most enormous cries of anguish about women being 'specially favoured' which was not a good idea, and how no one would want an award for men.
Anomaly and Inequity
Yes, no one would have wanted an award exclusively for men because, up until that moment, despite half the writers being women, only men were recognised in reality. So it was, de facto, an award just for male writers, regardless of what the fine rules and regulations said. All the awards up to then favoured men, so they did not need any special help to get them. Thanks to the Orange prize being there, the Booker prize is now genuinely recognising worthy writers of each gender, but it took another award to help it to see its early anomaly and inequity.
The female writers who have benefited from the Orange prize now have more publicity for their work; the public has had the chance denied them in the past to see more writers of quality and the good news for women all round (who make up 51% of the UK) is that they have been exposed to far more writers of all ilk than ever before. That has to mean greater literary benefits all round.
The notion of equal opportunities have a long way to go before women ever become truly equal. Perhaps we need a change of terminology to recognise the diversity of people and talent and reward that important difference, not expect everything to conform to the male standard. If we all accepted that each person is different, but equal, we would already be half-way along the road towards creating a situation where the diverse workplace (one which values men, women, minorities, people with a disability or different sexual orientation, for example) is not only essential to personal, professional and corporate growth, but one established as the norm.
Work would be a place where both men and women played key roles and be individually developed not because any one person specially merited it, or because of any particular gender or colour, but because each person is recognized as having a skill or perspective which is crucial to the economic development of the unit. True diversity would then become the framework within which each individual is able to contribute to the whole from an equitable standpoint, being able to develop their potential without fear or favour.
In such an environment, merit would cease to be of relevance because everyone would have a fully appreciated value, thus automatically 'meriting' anything they earned. It would also be acknowledged that both men and women are essential to reflect the community being served, to the interest of balance and for providing role models. Every worker, regardless or race or gender, would then be able to experience true equality of opportunity, not granted to them by anyone, but justly earned through their own varied talents, unique contributions and appropriate hard work.
Ms CYPRAH.
Is it a tacit acknowledgement that they are, in fact, 'inferior' and, if any woman actually makes it her gender has been done a great favour and they all should be grateful? Are women not entitled to be appointed or promoted without any undue enquiries as to their worth?
Perhaps such justification seems to be important because even the women themselves appear to have accepted that only men should get certain jobs, particularly in politics. Thus, if a woman qualifies at all to fill their shoes, there has to be much hullabaloo to convince everyone that the male 'standards' haven't slipped, neither will they be lowered and the 'fortunate' woman truly merited carrying the baton of male authority.
Incredibly, the act of always linking women with the word merit has not been seen as a gross insult by anyone, especially when many men have been appointed or elected to the highest offices because of their gender through the ubiquitous 'old boy' networks. On such occasions, the question of merit never seems to have any relevance at all. But women do have it in their power to change perceptions of themselves, especially if they take the initiative.
For example, in its first few years, the prestigious British Booker prize for the best book of the year mainly went to men, and mainly male authors were shortlisted. Few women writers seemed able enough to even be in that final list. Their writing was never perceived to be up to standard. When, in 1991, not a single woman was shortlisted, the Orange prize exclusively for women was introduced soon after that with an even bigger prize money than Booker, precipitating an indignant debate around its merits and rationale. It raised hackles to the roof because, suddenly, women no longer had to wait forever to have their talents acknowledged by a virtual all male club. Naturally, there were the most enormous cries of anguish about women being 'specially favoured' which was not a good idea, and how no one would want an award for men.
Anomaly and Inequity
Yes, no one would have wanted an award exclusively for men because, up until that moment, despite half the writers being women, only men were recognised in reality. So it was, de facto, an award just for male writers, regardless of what the fine rules and regulations said. All the awards up to then favoured men, so they did not need any special help to get them. Thanks to the Orange prize being there, the Booker prize is now genuinely recognising worthy writers of each gender, but it took another award to help it to see its early anomaly and inequity.
The female writers who have benefited from the Orange prize now have more publicity for their work; the public has had the chance denied them in the past to see more writers of quality and the good news for women all round (who make up 51% of the UK) is that they have been exposed to far more writers of all ilk than ever before. That has to mean greater literary benefits all round.
The notion of equal opportunities have a long way to go before women ever become truly equal. Perhaps we need a change of terminology to recognise the diversity of people and talent and reward that important difference, not expect everything to conform to the male standard. If we all accepted that each person is different, but equal, we would already be half-way along the road towards creating a situation where the diverse workplace (one which values men, women, minorities, people with a disability or different sexual orientation, for example) is not only essential to personal, professional and corporate growth, but one established as the norm.
Work would be a place where both men and women played key roles and be individually developed not because any one person specially merited it, or because of any particular gender or colour, but because each person is recognized as having a skill or perspective which is crucial to the economic development of the unit. True diversity would then become the framework within which each individual is able to contribute to the whole from an equitable standpoint, being able to develop their potential without fear or favour.
In such an environment, merit would cease to be of relevance because everyone would have a fully appreciated value, thus automatically 'meriting' anything they earned. It would also be acknowledged that both men and women are essential to reflect the community being served, to the interest of balance and for providing role models. Every worker, regardless or race or gender, would then be able to experience true equality of opportunity, not granted to them by anyone, but justly earned through their own varied talents, unique contributions and appropriate hard work.
Ms CYPRAH.
7 ATTRIBUTES OF THE TRULY CONFIDENT PERSON:
7 ATTRIBUTES OF THE TRULY CONFIDENT PERSON:
A lot of people might believe they are confident, depending on how they feel on any given day. But confidence is not a fleeting thing that is here today and takes a holiday tomorrow. Confidence is all pervasive. It shows itself in every aspect of our lives: the way we view ourself, perceive our world, approach crises, the way we treat others, our readiness to exercise compassion and forgiveness, and, most important, the way we treat ourselves. True confidence is an incredible feeling because it has a few key attributes embedded in it, seven of them, in fact, which are the hallmarks of the truly confident person. You cannot say you are confident unless you score highly on each of those seven aspects.
1. Self Love
This is the first crucial attribute. If you have no self-love, you have no confidence because this is at the heart of confidence: self-love and self-acceptance, which then decides our self-esteem. It is not possible to be happy and confident yet dislike our bodies or ourselves. Any lack of self-love is a prelude to misery and dissatisfaction with our lot. Happiness begins from within and when we love ourself and do no seek the approval of anyone, we are half-way to real contentment and the next key attribute, self-belief.
2. Self-Belief
With self-love comes amazing self-belief in what is truly possible. The Universe is our limit, as we become unstoppable and fearless. People who think highly of themselves do not see barriers to achievements or obstacles in their paths. Anything which blocks their journey can be removed because confident people already believe they have the tools to remove those blocks. They can cope with crises too because they believe they can. That is the main difference between a confident and low confidence person: one believes he/she has the power to affect their life, whereas the other looks to others to do it for them.
3. Comfort in Themselves
Confident people are happy in their own skin. They love who they are, they do not wish to be anyone else and they seek no one's approval to be whom they wish to be. That is a sure sign of a strong sense of belonging and personal security. Even when there is a setback, they know it is only temporary and they will be back in action again because they value themselves and their talents, regardless of what other people think. They tend to do what they please without following the fashion or being lemmings. Being natural leaders, they tend to set the pace for others and to inspire them.
4. Self-Awareness
Confident people know their limitations and their potential. That is because they do not sit and dwell on their weaknesses, like people of low esteem. They identify their strengths and nurture them while acknowledging their weaknesses. But they are fully aware that the unique beings they are is the result of BOTH their strengths and weaknesses, so they do not dwell on the negative aspects of their personality. They know what makes them happy and sad. Being leaders and optimists, they are more assured in their direction and objectives because they understand who they are and what they want, which is the first key step to boosting achievement and personal development.
5. Fearlessness
Confident people tend to be pioneers, fearless in their approach and their actions. It is not that they do not have the usual fears of survival. What they don't have is the limiting and paralysing fears regarding simply living their life to the utmost which plague insecure and non-confident people. Those with high self-esteem are keen to get on with it so they tend to act first and be afraid later! Willing to take risks and to make sacrifices, they have very little fear in living their life to the max.
6. Experiment
Really confident people love to experiment, to try out new situations, innovate and create, They are always pushing the boundaries of their talents because of their self-belief. Unlike people of low esteem, confident ones do not care about making mistakes, because they know that's how they learn and grow. Mistakes are markers in their development and point the way to future growth. They are not worried about being wrong, but at arriving at a solution or a different result, no matter how many times they have to change their approach. They recognise that mistakes are part and parcel of success on their personal journey. Failure is not in their vocabulary and so they will achieve their desires no matter how long it takes, because they have the tenacity, self-belief and determination to keep trying even when many others have given up.
7. Happiness
Confident people are truly happy with their life. It doesn't mean they are never sad. It means that if they are down it lasts very briefly and then they are back up again. They know they can always do something else and change the result. People of low esteem always blame themself and reinforce that with even poorer thoughts of their abilities, so they stay in the doldrums much longer. They are not truly at peace so they take the knocks badly. Confident people know that setbacks don't last long and all they need to do is brush themself off and start all over again, while keeping their eye on their goals. Above all, being contented with themselves and their bodies, and not dependent on others to provide such happiness, confident people tend to be truly happy, often cheerful and with a ready smile.
Learn more about this author, Ms CYPRAH.
A lot of people might believe they are confident, depending on how they feel on any given day. But confidence is not a fleeting thing that is here today and takes a holiday tomorrow. Confidence is all pervasive. It shows itself in every aspect of our lives: the way we view ourself, perceive our world, approach crises, the way we treat others, our readiness to exercise compassion and forgiveness, and, most important, the way we treat ourselves. True confidence is an incredible feeling because it has a few key attributes embedded in it, seven of them, in fact, which are the hallmarks of the truly confident person. You cannot say you are confident unless you score highly on each of those seven aspects.
1. Self Love
This is the first crucial attribute. If you have no self-love, you have no confidence because this is at the heart of confidence: self-love and self-acceptance, which then decides our self-esteem. It is not possible to be happy and confident yet dislike our bodies or ourselves. Any lack of self-love is a prelude to misery and dissatisfaction with our lot. Happiness begins from within and when we love ourself and do no seek the approval of anyone, we are half-way to real contentment and the next key attribute, self-belief.
2. Self-Belief
With self-love comes amazing self-belief in what is truly possible. The Universe is our limit, as we become unstoppable and fearless. People who think highly of themselves do not see barriers to achievements or obstacles in their paths. Anything which blocks their journey can be removed because confident people already believe they have the tools to remove those blocks. They can cope with crises too because they believe they can. That is the main difference between a confident and low confidence person: one believes he/she has the power to affect their life, whereas the other looks to others to do it for them.
3. Comfort in Themselves
Confident people are happy in their own skin. They love who they are, they do not wish to be anyone else and they seek no one's approval to be whom they wish to be. That is a sure sign of a strong sense of belonging and personal security. Even when there is a setback, they know it is only temporary and they will be back in action again because they value themselves and their talents, regardless of what other people think. They tend to do what they please without following the fashion or being lemmings. Being natural leaders, they tend to set the pace for others and to inspire them.
4. Self-Awareness
Confident people know their limitations and their potential. That is because they do not sit and dwell on their weaknesses, like people of low esteem. They identify their strengths and nurture them while acknowledging their weaknesses. But they are fully aware that the unique beings they are is the result of BOTH their strengths and weaknesses, so they do not dwell on the negative aspects of their personality. They know what makes them happy and sad. Being leaders and optimists, they are more assured in their direction and objectives because they understand who they are and what they want, which is the first key step to boosting achievement and personal development.
5. Fearlessness
Confident people tend to be pioneers, fearless in their approach and their actions. It is not that they do not have the usual fears of survival. What they don't have is the limiting and paralysing fears regarding simply living their life to the utmost which plague insecure and non-confident people. Those with high self-esteem are keen to get on with it so they tend to act first and be afraid later! Willing to take risks and to make sacrifices, they have very little fear in living their life to the max.
6. Experiment
Really confident people love to experiment, to try out new situations, innovate and create, They are always pushing the boundaries of their talents because of their self-belief. Unlike people of low esteem, confident ones do not care about making mistakes, because they know that's how they learn and grow. Mistakes are markers in their development and point the way to future growth. They are not worried about being wrong, but at arriving at a solution or a different result, no matter how many times they have to change their approach. They recognise that mistakes are part and parcel of success on their personal journey. Failure is not in their vocabulary and so they will achieve their desires no matter how long it takes, because they have the tenacity, self-belief and determination to keep trying even when many others have given up.
7. Happiness
Confident people are truly happy with their life. It doesn't mean they are never sad. It means that if they are down it lasts very briefly and then they are back up again. They know they can always do something else and change the result. People of low esteem always blame themself and reinforce that with even poorer thoughts of their abilities, so they stay in the doldrums much longer. They are not truly at peace so they take the knocks badly. Confident people know that setbacks don't last long and all they need to do is brush themself off and start all over again, while keeping their eye on their goals. Above all, being contented with themselves and their bodies, and not dependent on others to provide such happiness, confident people tend to be truly happy, often cheerful and with a ready smile.
Learn more about this author, Ms CYPRAH.
Signs of Low Self-Esteem
by Ms CYPRAH
view all A A A There are many signs of low self-esteem, some of which are often suppressed by other attributes. But the most significant ones are the following, in order of importance and their ability to cause damage:
1. Guilt. This often takes the form of self-torture. Seeing your actions as unforgivable, your imperfections as permanent and believing improvement is impossible.
2. Fear and uncertainty. The hallmark of non-confident people is naked fear which they wear like a welcome sign on themselves. They fear everything for a host of reasons. They fear making mistakes, upsetting others or becoming ill. They fear not having material things and not living up to the expectations of someone else. They fear people gossiping and their secrets being known. They fear not being liked, being abnormal and having permanent or terminal illnesses. They fear being hurt, any kind of responsibility for their destiny and, of course, they fear change itself. They fear even being themselves, because of the risk of disapproval from the significant others they value or wish to impress.
Fears are fed and maintained by negative experiences, a lack of self-love, lack of self-belief and an absence of trust. People driven by fear are plagued by self-doubt, submissiveness, over-conformity, isolation, sensitivity to criticism, acute distrust, feelings of inferiority, being unloved or rejected. Based on an unrealistic assumption of perfection in others, this fear mainly shuts off the individual from essential social contact, leaving them feeling isolated and alone. This isolation is noticeable when we put ourselves above others and label them in negative ways to boost our individual egos.
3. Self-Shame. Keeping secrets about yourself which then makes you feel awful', disgusting', weird', stupid', ugly' or unworthy, especially as you would believe yourself to be the only one with such experiences.
4. Trying to be a perfect person. True self-confidence means an acceptance of your being, warts and all, with no desire to be anyone else. If you do not accept yourself, who on earth is going to accept you?
5. Unforgiving, unrealistic expectation of perfection in others. They never quite come up to your standard so, indirectly, they are not worth your acknowledgement, your attention, recognition, reward or forgiveness. However, such behaviour says more about a lack of trust in our own abilities and low self-esteem than about the capabilities of others.
6. Lack of trust . When you are isolated, it is easy to believe you have a monopoly of a given emotion or situation. When you never engage others honestly, it is hard for them to open their hearts to you. Yet, without openness, you do not get any feedback because others cannot relate to you. You also never discover that others struggle with the same problems as you do, nor do you learn their solutions, which might be helpful to you. Genuine communication proves there is nothing to be ashamed of in life itself. We are all humans who have to travel the same road together with all our imperfections. Life is more enriching, meaningful and enjoyable when we are more supportive and compassionate along the journey.
7. A focus on your perceived limits. This replaces the focus on your potential and the possibilities for growth and improvement. In this way you seldom welcome or enjoy new experience and also remain in the same fearful state wondering why you never achieve what you really want.
8. Misplaced humility. Not regarding yourself as equal to others, but actually less than they are. Humility is a positive quality. It avoids false pride and is often driven by active compassion for others. A lack of self-confidence is often self-centred (feeling sorry for yourself and looking for excuses not to change your situation). This only prevents positive action and personal growth.
9. Feeling constantly depressed. Indulging in self-pity and negative thoughts of your past without any action, particularly to abdicate responsibility, to seek attention or to control/punish others. Depression keeps you in regret without change.
10. Always anticipating and predicting what happens next. This is often done in a negative way. Without even listening to what is being said, you will tell others exactly what you think they are about to tell you, or inform them of how things will develop, and what needs to be done, even without familiarity with the subject area.
11. Believing that the world is a 'bad place'. But the world has both good and bad aspects. Our world is often a mirror of what we think of ourselves. A negative world image and poor self-image are connected because they simply reflect what we fear, especially as our own negative actions do not add anything to the positivity we crave. The world is what we make it. If it is bad, it's down to each of us to do our bit to make it better. For example, if everyone ignores one child behaving badly on a housing estate, because they can't be bothered, they regard it as nothing to do with them or fear the consequences of addressing the behaviour, as night follows day that child will gradually attract a group who wishes to join in the fun' and will wreak havoc on everyone. This also confirms our negative perception of our world. Evil only gets worse when we fear or ignore it.
12. Scepticism and being over-critical. An unrealistic expectation of perfection which assumes that if you are not perfect, you are worthless. Scepticism and cynicism (sometimes labelled crystallised forms of anger') are often detrimental, as they encourage you to feel superior by focusing only on the faults of others. They rarely allow you to enjoy yourself or to accept people as they are.
13. Idolising people. Overestimating the worth of others and putting them on a pedestal, which easily leads to underestimating and downgrading yourself. It also leaves you floundering in a state of perceived inadequacy as you try to measure up in a futile way.
How many of these factors actually affect you now? Most people have to contend with up to six or seven, with the most confident among us having up to three, maximum. If you find yourself with eight or more, you need to start working, urgently, on how you feel about yourself, because that dictates how others perceive you and treat you and, indirectly, the level of success and influence you can expect.
By Ms CYPRAH.
view all A A A There are many signs of low self-esteem, some of which are often suppressed by other attributes. But the most significant ones are the following, in order of importance and their ability to cause damage:
1. Guilt. This often takes the form of self-torture. Seeing your actions as unforgivable, your imperfections as permanent and believing improvement is impossible.
2. Fear and uncertainty. The hallmark of non-confident people is naked fear which they wear like a welcome sign on themselves. They fear everything for a host of reasons. They fear making mistakes, upsetting others or becoming ill. They fear not having material things and not living up to the expectations of someone else. They fear people gossiping and their secrets being known. They fear not being liked, being abnormal and having permanent or terminal illnesses. They fear being hurt, any kind of responsibility for their destiny and, of course, they fear change itself. They fear even being themselves, because of the risk of disapproval from the significant others they value or wish to impress.
Fears are fed and maintained by negative experiences, a lack of self-love, lack of self-belief and an absence of trust. People driven by fear are plagued by self-doubt, submissiveness, over-conformity, isolation, sensitivity to criticism, acute distrust, feelings of inferiority, being unloved or rejected. Based on an unrealistic assumption of perfection in others, this fear mainly shuts off the individual from essential social contact, leaving them feeling isolated and alone. This isolation is noticeable when we put ourselves above others and label them in negative ways to boost our individual egos.
3. Self-Shame. Keeping secrets about yourself which then makes you feel awful', disgusting', weird', stupid', ugly' or unworthy, especially as you would believe yourself to be the only one with such experiences.
4. Trying to be a perfect person. True self-confidence means an acceptance of your being, warts and all, with no desire to be anyone else. If you do not accept yourself, who on earth is going to accept you?
5. Unforgiving, unrealistic expectation of perfection in others. They never quite come up to your standard so, indirectly, they are not worth your acknowledgement, your attention, recognition, reward or forgiveness. However, such behaviour says more about a lack of trust in our own abilities and low self-esteem than about the capabilities of others.
6. Lack of trust . When you are isolated, it is easy to believe you have a monopoly of a given emotion or situation. When you never engage others honestly, it is hard for them to open their hearts to you. Yet, without openness, you do not get any feedback because others cannot relate to you. You also never discover that others struggle with the same problems as you do, nor do you learn their solutions, which might be helpful to you. Genuine communication proves there is nothing to be ashamed of in life itself. We are all humans who have to travel the same road together with all our imperfections. Life is more enriching, meaningful and enjoyable when we are more supportive and compassionate along the journey.
7. A focus on your perceived limits. This replaces the focus on your potential and the possibilities for growth and improvement. In this way you seldom welcome or enjoy new experience and also remain in the same fearful state wondering why you never achieve what you really want.
8. Misplaced humility. Not regarding yourself as equal to others, but actually less than they are. Humility is a positive quality. It avoids false pride and is often driven by active compassion for others. A lack of self-confidence is often self-centred (feeling sorry for yourself and looking for excuses not to change your situation). This only prevents positive action and personal growth.
9. Feeling constantly depressed. Indulging in self-pity and negative thoughts of your past without any action, particularly to abdicate responsibility, to seek attention or to control/punish others. Depression keeps you in regret without change.
10. Always anticipating and predicting what happens next. This is often done in a negative way. Without even listening to what is being said, you will tell others exactly what you think they are about to tell you, or inform them of how things will develop, and what needs to be done, even without familiarity with the subject area.
11. Believing that the world is a 'bad place'. But the world has both good and bad aspects. Our world is often a mirror of what we think of ourselves. A negative world image and poor self-image are connected because they simply reflect what we fear, especially as our own negative actions do not add anything to the positivity we crave. The world is what we make it. If it is bad, it's down to each of us to do our bit to make it better. For example, if everyone ignores one child behaving badly on a housing estate, because they can't be bothered, they regard it as nothing to do with them or fear the consequences of addressing the behaviour, as night follows day that child will gradually attract a group who wishes to join in the fun' and will wreak havoc on everyone. This also confirms our negative perception of our world. Evil only gets worse when we fear or ignore it.
12. Scepticism and being over-critical. An unrealistic expectation of perfection which assumes that if you are not perfect, you are worthless. Scepticism and cynicism (sometimes labelled crystallised forms of anger') are often detrimental, as they encourage you to feel superior by focusing only on the faults of others. They rarely allow you to enjoy yourself or to accept people as they are.
13. Idolising people. Overestimating the worth of others and putting them on a pedestal, which easily leads to underestimating and downgrading yourself. It also leaves you floundering in a state of perceived inadequacy as you try to measure up in a futile way.
How many of these factors actually affect you now? Most people have to contend with up to six or seven, with the most confident among us having up to three, maximum. If you find yourself with eight or more, you need to start working, urgently, on how you feel about yourself, because that dictates how others perceive you and treat you and, indirectly, the level of success and influence you can expect.
By Ms CYPRAH.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
